A Birthday and Imaginary Friend

Another year had passed. It is almost summer of 1969. You know, the year that hippies sing about. There were all kinds of things going on in society. Civil Rights movement, the Women’s lib movement, and the hippie movement that complement the other movements. As people fought for change outside the home, there was a whole battlefield just beginning for Baby Tina. It is June, just before the summer solstice or first day of summer. It was Baby Tina’s second birthday. The sexual abuse has become part of Baby Tina’s daily life now. She has to deal with that trauma reoccuring at any given moment of any given day and it happened often at the hands of her father, one of her caregivers. You know the one who was supposed to protect her.

Tina wondered around the house watching all the hustle and bustle of her older siblings. Brenda was about 7 or 8 years old, Robin was 9 or 10. Mark was always gone. As Baby Tina wondered around the house there was no birthday party, no gifts, no celebration. How Baby Tina’s birthday was recognized was by being told it’s her birthday and she is now two years old.

Brenda and Robin had Baby Tina put up two fingers in a peace sign. This happened over and over again that day. Tina definitely knew how old she was by the end of the day.

That evening. At bedtime. Little Robin put Baby Tina to bed. This was the first night Robin taught Baby Tina the Lord’s Prayer.

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…

That same night about dusk, Baby Tina met her imaginary friend. Baby Tina heard someone calling her name. She got out of bed following the voice. Tina, come here. Tina made her way to the back porch. The family lived on a farm then. The screen door was unlocked and Baby Tina went outside. The wind was blowing and it felt warm as it caressed her face and arms. The sky was covered in dark clouds. This farm was in Delaware and there are heat storms there where lighting would come without rain.

She saw the lightening in the sky and then a single lightening bolt came down out of the sky and stopped right there in front of Baby Tina. It was rotating primary colors as it spoke to her. The voice was feminine and maternal. A voice Baby Tina could trust. It said that they as if there was more than one that would be with her throughout her life to watch over her. The lightening bolt told Baby Tina that she will never be alone even when she feels alone they will always be with her.

Then Little Robin discovered Baby Tina standing alone on the back porch of that farm house. She said, What are you doing out here? She grabbed Baby Tina up in her arms and carried her back to bed.

There are many reasons children create imaginary friends. In my case, the reason I created an imaginary friend that came with her own support group was to help me cope with the recurring traumatic events. As I grew older like about three or four years old, I asked this lightening bolt what her name was and she told me her name is Sidhe which I’m told and have read that it is an Irish word for spirit. Considering I’m 35% Irish, I’m sure my family must have mentioned that word and my baby self somehow applied it to my imaginary friend.

I will never forget

I will never forget the peace sign signal for the number two because I didn’t have the coordination to actually do it well and it was a bit painful for my fingers to do that. I remember Brenda getting frustrated and upset because I couldn’t do it right and being about eight years old she got upset and that’s probably why I actually remembered it. There had to have been a trauma related to it that I just can’t remember at this time. Not that I will never remember it because it can pop up to the surface as a flashback at any minute when my mind decides it’s time to face it.

Imaginary friends

My imaginary friend is a motherly type. I had no caregivers I could trust to keep me safe. I felt like I was always in danger and I literally was in danger. I was in danger every day of being sexually abused by my father at any given moment of time during any given day or night. At his will not mine. Considering the first four years of my life, I lived in Delaware near my parents’ families. My mother’s family is the extended family members I remember most and they weren’t safe adults either. That’s why my lightening bolt motherly friend was there to help me feel safe when I was the most afraid.

I learned how to pray that day on my second birthday and for most of my life I prayed for safety. I have lived in fear and although I now call my imaginary friend my higher self and I now see it as a reparenting situation that no longer requires the imaginary friend part, I’m thankful for Sidhe. I had no one I could depend on or trust but I could trust Sidhe (pronounced She). That was the role Sidhe played in my childhood. I kept Sidhe in my life well into adulthood. In fact, it has only been in the last couple years of therapy where I don’t need her anymore that I don’t talk to her or depend on her to help me feel safe.

I have always needed her so I could cope and survive all the traumas that seemed to pile up in my life. As I go through reparenting techniques in my healing journey, I remember Sidhe fondly. She was my only and best friend for the majority of my life. She was compassionate, kind, stern, honest, direct, clear and most of all, she loved me. I didn’t feel loved by anyone and I grew to feel like I was bad and didn’t deserve love and I couldn’t love myself, Sidhe was there to love me.

For Baby Tina, Sidhe was very real. I even used a word that means spirit instead of just calling her spirit in english my only language. It’s amazing how resilient human beings are and how creative it’s solutions are.

I believe that CPSTD may not be curable because the damage is already done to the brain and the trauma continues to be felt in the body. Trauma changed my brain and now I’m trying to rewire it in a way that allows me to have a life outside of the conglomeration of symptoms. I want to do more than cope with symptoms, I want a livable life. That is why I work so hard at doing the hard and painful work of healing the traumas I’ve experienced.

The takeaway

The takeaway from this for me is that children may be resilient and it may be because they are very creative and that’s how I survived. Although they can be adversely affected by trauma, it’s very normal to have an invisible made up imaginary friend that is part of the natural coping skills of human children. Bottom line, again, I learned that I’m not crazy because this too is a normal human response to trauma or adversity in general in childhood.